Today the news networks and Catholics nationwide have creamed their pants in anticipation of Pope Benedict's visit to the United States.  I, frankly, don't give a damn about the Pope's visit.  Not even the semblance of an erection here.

A lesser man than myself might spend his obligatory "Top 5" talking about the Pope's time as a Hitler Youth or the Priest-Child Molestation Scandal, but you need not worry because I'm not going to mention those two disgusting facts.  Truly appalling facts about Pope Benedict, but I'm not going to devote any time or thought to them.  That's just the kind of guy I am, one who is willing to forgive and forget this man's time as a Nazi-in-training as well as his and his priest's handling of little boys. Zing.

Anyway lets get down to brass tacks here.

 

Reason #5: He has the audacity to ride in vehicles with names such as "The Popemobile" and "Shepherd One"



This is clearly an egregious naming-faux pas.  One is a clear rip off of Batman, while the other is a rip off of our own President.  I'll be the first to say that I think it is absolutely disgusting that the Pope would denigrate such a prestigious position as the Dark Night, defender of Gotham City by ripping off his "mobile".  It's also a clear rip off of The Decider, although he's from bizarro world so, it's not as big a deal.

 

Reason #4: He is the leader of the smallest and most insignificant "country" in the world.

The Vatican is 110 Acres and has a population of about 800 people.  Yet, this man comes to town and the whole world stops.  There was less coverage of President Bush's visit with Vladmir Putin, "President" of Russia.  

I've been watching the cable news networks for the majority of the day, and I can say with no reservation that the Pope has gotten far more coverage than the War In Iraq or those people in America who are losing their homes.  Hell, I've heard more about the Pope today than I have Erectile Dysfunction; Is that really the America we want to live in?

 

Reason #3: The Superiority Complex

I think something that gets forgotten about the Pope is this: Pope Benedict is just a man with a brain no bigger or better than yours.  Yet, people drop to their knees when they see him.  It's not like the man is an attractive single blogger, or some other high powered position of the like.  

 

Reason #2: His "Fashion" Choices

I'm not even a homosexual, and I can tell that this man just doesn't get it.



"Girlfriend that's a bad look for you!"

 

Reason #1: Masturbation

Okay, so I left the big one for last.  In an effort to stroke his ego, he has forbidden others from stroking their ego's. (I know, cheap joke).  So, apparently it is a sin to masturbate according to His Holiness.  It's been recognized as a sin for centuries by the Catholic Church, but can we finally just give that one up. If we all stopped masturbating what would happen to our national treasures, those tireless Ladies and Gentlemen in the adult entertainment industry.  They do it for us, boning night and day destroying their self-worth among other things, for you.  I ask you, is it really worth it to ruin these men and women's careers?  It may be if you're the Pope, but if you're a caring individual I urge you, rub one out today; before it's too late.